Return of the Rains

Being officially fall here, thankfully, my mood has somewhat abated. It is still a sporadic thing however whenever the moods do strike. Often they hit over the smallest of triggers, the latest being a computer illustration of a new GLBT center going up in some latin american country. That in itself was fine with me, but the corner was illustrated a cute lesbian couple, and that did it. So far my self imposed guidlines have worked out and I've managed any further bloodshed at the cost of starting up therapy again. I've wanted to, but I also want to try and go without therapy at the moment. I'm sure it could do me some good, it always does, but I need to learn to deal with these things on my own. It is also a financial burden that I don't need at the moment. While my family has offered to pay for it, it isn't a burden they can easily accept either.


Which brings me to both my family and financial situations. Fincially, I'm just about tapped for resources, and had it not been for a friend of mine offereing me a room with him when he moves into the city, I would be in much more dire straights. As it stands living rent free will hopefully be good enough for me until I can find a position on my own. When and If that ever happens is anyones guess. Needless to say my situatoin is going to become much more tense than I am used to, as I haven't lived with anyone for a few years now. Still, it is better than returning to Texas. The thought has been brought up to me by my parents, though I refuse to end up in a worse place, with just as aweful of job prospects and even worse living situations. 


My connection to my family is even now eroding even thinner. They find it nigh impossible to be honest with me. My mother in particular refuses this even when I and my brother call her on her being two faced. Why they find it so hard to simply be honest with me is unknown to me. I suppose they believe being so far away I'll simply choose to not deal with them if they upset me. What they don't realize though is that being honest with me is the best way to deal with me and best way to avoid me being pissed off. I always eventually find out what they think/believe anyway, so they do themselves no favors by not telling me things themselves. 


Still, there is simply so much distance between them and myself that I refuse to tolerate their bullshit. This is a complete contrast to my good friends that I left back in Texas. The idea of celebrating with them instead is one that I welcome greatly, but I'm sure they all have families they wish to be with for the holidays. Either way, it will be the first christmas that I've been away from my brother, and I think that bothers me more so than not getting any material things or not being with my parents. Unfortunatly, I see our relationship growing to that of my father and his brother, they only talk on rare occasions, and are vastly different people who aren't very close. I hate that idea, but try as I might I can't bring him to care about me, or have an interest in my life. In total it simply feels like he doesn't value our relationship at all. While, that is tolerable for a time, there comes a point where it simply isn't worth fighting for anymore. I have enough problems finding motivatoin to fight for things as it is, let alone things that actively discourage me.


Still, leaves are changing, the city is beautiful in the rain, I have as much social energy to leach off of at local coffee shops as I can desire, and warm drinks help keep the bitter loneliness out of my insides for a time.

Folley

There is a distinct loneliness about cities. Perhaps it is just the return of the overcast that has me somewhat withdrawn, but I find myself lacking in motivation again. This isn't new, it never is. I won't call myself naive, but, perhaps overly optimistic in my expectations of when I moved here. I didn't think it would solve all my problems, I knew moving here would simply relocate my problems here. By and large they are still with me, the depression, isolation, loneliness, and escapism are all just as bad now as they were when I lived 2300 miles from here. However there are a number of benefits to being that I do enjoy, I digress however. My original point being that being around so many people exacerbates the feeling of lonliness. Sure living out in the middle of nowhere is lonely, being surrounded by people, while giving off a social energy, is often just as lonely if you don't know any of them. It can often be worse.

I know none of this is strictly an external issue. Much of it is my own paralysis in dealing with social situatoins. Often complicated by the stress and depression brought on by the economy and failing to find employment. I find that I wish I had my old friends from Texas here, not for any real particular reason though. I have friends here, and they are great people, but...there is simply something missing. At the moment, i'm inclined to push that off on being mostly partly single and looking for a romantic interest. That probably isn't entirely the case.

I've abandoned my guitar as well. It has been lost in my lack of motivation like so many other things I at one point enjoyed. It is almost amazing what the frustration and depression of not finding employement can do to someone. I often find myself wondering what the point is. Which, has always been a very good indicator of my mental state. I usually only begin to question it when things start to turn bad as it is a question I can never answer.

I am slightly comforted by the notion that I'm not alone in it. A lot of the people I talk to are struggling to find work, I've also heard annecdotal tales of grown children still living at home because there simply isn't anything out there. I'm sure there are people working, but by and large it seems the young are perpetually screwed over in this. A situation I don't see being fixed for a good while.

I have some safety measures in place, friends of mine willing to put me of until I can find a place, a favor I probably will never be able to repay despite how much I cook/clean for them. I can't honorably ask my parents for anymore support than they have already given, and the feeling of worthlessness and hopelessness is beginning to pervade just about every aspect of my daily life. I often see positions available that I pass up because I wonder what the point of applying is. I know the old addage, "You don't get every job you don't apply to", but I have trouble convincing myself that I won't be hired regardless, so there is no point.

I know this worries people, but, there is little else I can do but try to keep fighting. Without any rhyme or reason as to why except the foolish notion that at some point it will pay off/work out.

I know myself pretty well. I know that most of this depression and dark thinking is brought on by not being able to cope with this issue. The problem is I don't see the solution anymore. I see my life, and myself, and just don't see any way that things miraculously pay off until a random job just falls into my lap.

My goals/expectations during college seem childish these days. The goals I had set are almost laughable now. Believing things would eventually work out well, oh the folely of youth.

Am I not Justified?

Rather than edit the previous post, which seemed about half complete, I thought I would simply restart here, anew.

I'm still not quite sure what I'm doing. I've been seeing someone, but I'm not quite sure why. There is no..passion, I want to say, there. Ze is cute enough, but, nothing really gets me going. There is nothing that motivates me to be sexually active in our relationship. I know some of that stems from my own body dismorphia, and some stems from hir's own issues on my body. I don't particularly enjoy having to teach people about me and my body, or explain how I don't function in the same ways as other girls. The whole..conversation frankly turns me off. The few times we have been sexually active, I felt more ackward and uncomfortable than ever before.

Some is probably from hir's inexperience with trans women, granted, but some was my mental state. I appreciate the effort, but I know it isn't in hir comfort zone, and thus, that fed my discomfort. Which, leaves me now, looking at other people in longing and loneliness, and wondering just what I'm doing. I enjoy having someone to hug and lay next to, sure, but, it still feels hollow, and despite that, I still feel alone.

Which makes me question why am I even bothering, is it, just that being involved with anyone, is better than being involved with noone. I do enjoy the company, and perhaps, for now, that alone is simply enough. I'm in no rush to push anything into serious territory, especially given my history, and future grim prospects.

Like everything else, it feels in limbo, cut off from the world, slightly askew, and more than mildly uncomfortable and unnatural.

A day or so ago, I saw a very cute lesbian couple (I assume) in the window of a Thai restraunt I was at. I envied everything about their life, their look, their happiness, their presumed ability to take care of themselves. While, I gather these are the things I'm looking for, it seemed they collectivly gathered in my reflection of their persona.

Jealousy is a very strange emotion, not one I'm used to, but, I find myself more and more envious of the people I see around me, and what, their lives must be like. I'm resisting the urge to go on a giant tyraid on the fairness of life, but, I've known it isn't fair, and bitching about it, isn't going to change the past or my life. No, that, negativity is best vented out through tears and sobs alone late at night, rather than on oft writ, seldom read blogs by poor trans women.

Things can't be the same

It's been a while since I've written. I think some of that is my own laziness, or lack of inspiration. I've been deluding myself into thinking that I'm not depressed, or that the greatness of seattle was enough in itself to overcome the rest of the shitty things in life. In some ways, it exacerbates them, if I let them. The stress and feelings of worthlessness are way greater than I ever thought possible. Hunting for jobs alone is enough to make me contemplate suicide, let alone doing with all the other shit going on.


I found some ways to cope, but, on days like yesterday, where I spend hours on end crying and feeling like life has no point, they seem few and far between. I did start seeing someone, but, like always, my excitement on the issue is limited. I'm not sure if it simply makes matters worse or not. Having a warm body to lay next to is nice, but it brings with it all manner of complications.

I wasn't naive enough to think simply by moving all my problems would be solved. I was apparently naive enough though to think I could find a job anywhere. I'm slowly coming to accept the possibility of having to move back to Texas, though, I do think it will be the end of me if I do. I found some people willing to help me out, and offering me a place to stay after my lease is up, but, I'm not sure. I'm beginning to think if I can't find a job in 9 months of looking I should just give up.

I don't relish in that idea. The simple thought of talking to my family again makes me cringe. They seem to think that I enjoy feeling worthless, and having nothing to do all day. They have no idea what is like to feel aimless, without a purpose or direction. While they romanticize the idea of not working again, it is only because they have the money and savings to be able to do so. Having to rely on other people for money, and having nothing to do all day is tormenting. They wouldn't know that however, as they don't know how to communicate with each other, let alone me.

Boundaries

On most days I can deal with my burdens in relative ease. It isn't pleasant but it is tolerable in most ways. After a recent involvement with someone, it has come to my attention that most everyone in my social circle knows I'm trans. Yet, they know through other people relaying my information without my permission. This is unbelievably infuriating and frustrating. It is a violation of trust and respect. It somewhat disappoints me in this city. I had expected when I moved here that I could largely live my life in relative peace and normalcy. That, apparently, isn't a gift I get to have. Much like the other things trans people don't have a right to, it seems peace isn't one them.

So, I've come to take my fun and happiness where I can. Be it three days with someone new that fails when their friends find out about me. Or just taking solace in my loneliness with coffee.

Perhaps the most depressing aspect, is that I'm getting used to this. I find myself growing at ease with not being happy, or with being alone. It isn't desirable, but it seems that is the life I'm destined to live one way or another. My aspirations of grace and gentle desirability are probably far fetched anyway.

In some ways, it is relieving that people know, here, at least, no one has disowned me because of things outside my choice. I can tolerate people seeing my flaws now, noticing the things that I can't or haven't changed yet. I was never one to believe I was beautiful anyway.

My life, it seems, is one of denial.

Social Regressions

Recently I've been thrust back into some relationships that I've found mimick some of my older ones pretty closely. Not in the sense that they are the same types of relationships I've had before, but just that I see these behavior patterns in my old relationships. What I found annoying, petty, and childish before, I now found immature, destructive, and ultimatly unproductive. What is disturbing is that I see how I've been able to move on past these issues in my life, and that I'm able to treat people with respect, yet seeing these traits still in people does nothing to attract me to these relationships.


This is somewhat troubling for someone that I'm attracted to, as it is somewhat a conflict in behaviors. I enjoy being around this person, but when joined with the rest of their cohorts it turns into a place I don't enjoy being.

Either way, it makes a good excuse to distance myself from these situations. The longer I am here the more I'm convinced that I need to expand my social circle and romantic interests into new areas. However, moving out of my comfort zone is well...uncomfortable.

I also find myself drinking more heavily than usual. I have a few ideas as to the reason behind this, but nothing firm just yet. I think some of it is largely social reasons, I think some of the stress and loneliness is beginning to weigh on my more heavily than I am acknowledging.  That isn't to say that I want to go back to Texas, indeed far from it. One thing I have noticed is that while I still have some mood swings towards the negative side, here, at least, I also have them towards the positive. This is something that never occured in Texas.

Speaking of moodswings, I've found getting off triggers them pretty rapidly and pretty heavily, at least, those times when I do get off. I'm not quite sure what it is about the act that pushes me into such..visceral states of mind. It does make me a bit concerned about my relationship with sex, and how that will play out.

I have discovered that given just about any environment I can slide into escapsim given my music is nearby. It always exacerbates my moods, either positive or negative, however, it brings me back inside, and centers me in an emotion, allowing me to inhabit the emotion and experience it fully. It isn't always productive, but it is usually enjoyable to some degree. At least, in that same familiar way that depression is both comfortable and disgustingly horrific at the same time.

Surface

As always, I'm not sure where to begin things. Not much has changed on the job front, things are as frustrating and hopeless as ever. I send out application after application to no avail.

I've been spending most of my time with the few friends I have here, but things are never that simple. I've found that I'm not quite sure where I stand with them. On the one hand I find that I've an attraction to them, but I tend to take a lack of action as disinterest. I.e. if they were interested they would make some sort of overt action. That, to me, doesn't seem illogical (though I know it is a bit). I've normally, at least up to this point, managed this without too much trouble.  Recently however I found myself doing an action that made someone pull away from me. I immediately felt awful, exposed, and embarrased for my display of affection that was so ..misdirected.

Nothing was said, and I was a bit drunk at the time, which always exacerbates my affections, however that doesn't remove the negative consequences of said action. So I'm left somewhere in between not knowing what to really do. I've accepted that I'll have to put my attraction aside and move to more of a friend relationship, it's the slip ups that I'm afraid of.

This is largely true of many of my relationships here. I think this is largely due to the fact that I spend so much of my time alone, and that the loneliness of existence is beginning to wear heavily on me. While I'm quick to get out of the apartment when given the chance, it seems almost a tease to myself to go expecting wanting things to happen. I know they probably won't, if they were, they would have happened a while ago. That doesn't convince the ache though.

I find myself growing callus and cold towards people as well. I'm trying hard not to become jaded and hopeless, but, it is a struggle.