Am I not Justified?

Rather than edit the previous post, which seemed about half complete, I thought I would simply restart here, anew.

I'm still not quite sure what I'm doing. I've been seeing someone, but I'm not quite sure why. There is no..passion, I want to say, there. Ze is cute enough, but, nothing really gets me going. There is nothing that motivates me to be sexually active in our relationship. I know some of that stems from my own body dismorphia, and some stems from hir's own issues on my body. I don't particularly enjoy having to teach people about me and my body, or explain how I don't function in the same ways as other girls. The whole..conversation frankly turns me off. The few times we have been sexually active, I felt more ackward and uncomfortable than ever before.

Some is probably from hir's inexperience with trans women, granted, but some was my mental state. I appreciate the effort, but I know it isn't in hir comfort zone, and thus, that fed my discomfort. Which, leaves me now, looking at other people in longing and loneliness, and wondering just what I'm doing. I enjoy having someone to hug and lay next to, sure, but, it still feels hollow, and despite that, I still feel alone.

Which makes me question why am I even bothering, is it, just that being involved with anyone, is better than being involved with noone. I do enjoy the company, and perhaps, for now, that alone is simply enough. I'm in no rush to push anything into serious territory, especially given my history, and future grim prospects.

Like everything else, it feels in limbo, cut off from the world, slightly askew, and more than mildly uncomfortable and unnatural.

A day or so ago, I saw a very cute lesbian couple (I assume) in the window of a Thai restraunt I was at. I envied everything about their life, their look, their happiness, their presumed ability to take care of themselves. While, I gather these are the things I'm looking for, it seemed they collectivly gathered in my reflection of their persona.

Jealousy is a very strange emotion, not one I'm used to, but, I find myself more and more envious of the people I see around me, and what, their lives must be like. I'm resisting the urge to go on a giant tyraid on the fairness of life, but, I've known it isn't fair, and bitching about it, isn't going to change the past or my life. No, that, negativity is best vented out through tears and sobs alone late at night, rather than on oft writ, seldom read blogs by poor trans women.

Things can't be the same

It's been a while since I've written. I think some of that is my own laziness, or lack of inspiration. I've been deluding myself into thinking that I'm not depressed, or that the greatness of seattle was enough in itself to overcome the rest of the shitty things in life. In some ways, it exacerbates them, if I let them. The stress and feelings of worthlessness are way greater than I ever thought possible. Hunting for jobs alone is enough to make me contemplate suicide, let alone doing with all the other shit going on.


I found some ways to cope, but, on days like yesterday, where I spend hours on end crying and feeling like life has no point, they seem few and far between. I did start seeing someone, but, like always, my excitement on the issue is limited. I'm not sure if it simply makes matters worse or not. Having a warm body to lay next to is nice, but it brings with it all manner of complications.

I wasn't naive enough to think simply by moving all my problems would be solved. I was apparently naive enough though to think I could find a job anywhere. I'm slowly coming to accept the possibility of having to move back to Texas, though, I do think it will be the end of me if I do. I found some people willing to help me out, and offering me a place to stay after my lease is up, but, I'm not sure. I'm beginning to think if I can't find a job in 9 months of looking I should just give up.

I don't relish in that idea. The simple thought of talking to my family again makes me cringe. They seem to think that I enjoy feeling worthless, and having nothing to do all day. They have no idea what is like to feel aimless, without a purpose or direction. While they romanticize the idea of not working again, it is only because they have the money and savings to be able to do so. Having to rely on other people for money, and having nothing to do all day is tormenting. They wouldn't know that however, as they don't know how to communicate with each other, let alone me.

Boundaries

On most days I can deal with my burdens in relative ease. It isn't pleasant but it is tolerable in most ways. After a recent involvement with someone, it has come to my attention that most everyone in my social circle knows I'm trans. Yet, they know through other people relaying my information without my permission. This is unbelievably infuriating and frustrating. It is a violation of trust and respect. It somewhat disappoints me in this city. I had expected when I moved here that I could largely live my life in relative peace and normalcy. That, apparently, isn't a gift I get to have. Much like the other things trans people don't have a right to, it seems peace isn't one them.

So, I've come to take my fun and happiness where I can. Be it three days with someone new that fails when their friends find out about me. Or just taking solace in my loneliness with coffee.

Perhaps the most depressing aspect, is that I'm getting used to this. I find myself growing at ease with not being happy, or with being alone. It isn't desirable, but it seems that is the life I'm destined to live one way or another. My aspirations of grace and gentle desirability are probably far fetched anyway.

In some ways, it is relieving that people know, here, at least, no one has disowned me because of things outside my choice. I can tolerate people seeing my flaws now, noticing the things that I can't or haven't changed yet. I was never one to believe I was beautiful anyway.

My life, it seems, is one of denial.

Social Regressions

Recently I've been thrust back into some relationships that I've found mimick some of my older ones pretty closely. Not in the sense that they are the same types of relationships I've had before, but just that I see these behavior patterns in my old relationships. What I found annoying, petty, and childish before, I now found immature, destructive, and ultimatly unproductive. What is disturbing is that I see how I've been able to move on past these issues in my life, and that I'm able to treat people with respect, yet seeing these traits still in people does nothing to attract me to these relationships.


This is somewhat troubling for someone that I'm attracted to, as it is somewhat a conflict in behaviors. I enjoy being around this person, but when joined with the rest of their cohorts it turns into a place I don't enjoy being.

Either way, it makes a good excuse to distance myself from these situations. The longer I am here the more I'm convinced that I need to expand my social circle and romantic interests into new areas. However, moving out of my comfort zone is well...uncomfortable.

I also find myself drinking more heavily than usual. I have a few ideas as to the reason behind this, but nothing firm just yet. I think some of it is largely social reasons, I think some of the stress and loneliness is beginning to weigh on my more heavily than I am acknowledging.  That isn't to say that I want to go back to Texas, indeed far from it. One thing I have noticed is that while I still have some mood swings towards the negative side, here, at least, I also have them towards the positive. This is something that never occured in Texas.

Speaking of moodswings, I've found getting off triggers them pretty rapidly and pretty heavily, at least, those times when I do get off. I'm not quite sure what it is about the act that pushes me into such..visceral states of mind. It does make me a bit concerned about my relationship with sex, and how that will play out.

I have discovered that given just about any environment I can slide into escapsim given my music is nearby. It always exacerbates my moods, either positive or negative, however, it brings me back inside, and centers me in an emotion, allowing me to inhabit the emotion and experience it fully. It isn't always productive, but it is usually enjoyable to some degree. At least, in that same familiar way that depression is both comfortable and disgustingly horrific at the same time.

Surface

As always, I'm not sure where to begin things. Not much has changed on the job front, things are as frustrating and hopeless as ever. I send out application after application to no avail.

I've been spending most of my time with the few friends I have here, but things are never that simple. I've found that I'm not quite sure where I stand with them. On the one hand I find that I've an attraction to them, but I tend to take a lack of action as disinterest. I.e. if they were interested they would make some sort of overt action. That, to me, doesn't seem illogical (though I know it is a bit). I've normally, at least up to this point, managed this without too much trouble.  Recently however I found myself doing an action that made someone pull away from me. I immediately felt awful, exposed, and embarrased for my display of affection that was so ..misdirected.

Nothing was said, and I was a bit drunk at the time, which always exacerbates my affections, however that doesn't remove the negative consequences of said action. So I'm left somewhere in between not knowing what to really do. I've accepted that I'll have to put my attraction aside and move to more of a friend relationship, it's the slip ups that I'm afraid of.

This is largely true of many of my relationships here. I think this is largely due to the fact that I spend so much of my time alone, and that the loneliness of existence is beginning to wear heavily on me. While I'm quick to get out of the apartment when given the chance, it seems almost a tease to myself to go expecting wanting things to happen. I know they probably won't, if they were, they would have happened a while ago. That doesn't convince the ache though.

I find myself growing callus and cold towards people as well. I'm trying hard not to become jaded and hopeless, but, it is a struggle.

Greek Weddings

As always, the beginning is the hardest part.

My mother's wedding went remarkably better than I had anticipated. I was able to deal with those unpleasant members of my family without much effort, and my date was remarkable at keeping me calm, enthralled, and distracted from the negative.
That isn't to say he was altogether dreamy. There were moments where his teasing began to wear me down. While it was nice to be with him, we both knew it was little more than an enjoyable distraction for both of us. With distance being so large a factor it isn't really feasible for us to be an item. I think we are both somewhat fine with that.

Now, to the tricky bits. The morning of the wedding I was an absolute wreck. For unknown reasons I was unable to keep myself together. While I'm certain part of it was being sick with a sinus infection (yay Texas), most of it was probably attributable to emotional issues. To the point where I began considering cutting again. I knew there were places I was needing to be, and I didn't necessarily have the time to wallow around in depression. My date tried to console me, but it just wasn't happening. I had begun to reconcile myself and went to dress when I began to look for potential objects to use for cutting. I thought this was hopeless as I no longer live there and most of my sharp objects were missing. I did however, manage to find an old box cutter, which in a pinch worked wonders on my thigh.

This was the first time since Christmas that I've been forced into cutting for sanity. While the mere thought of being forced back into it was originally a source of further anxiety, I quickly realized it was the only hope for making it through the day with some sort of normalcy. I did this when my date was out of the room so he wouldn't be aware. However, the abrupt and instant change in my mood was the more disturbing. The sheer power of the act in its effect to cap my emotions and return me back to my normal self is disgusting. I'm not proud necessarily of what I do, much in the sense that drug addicts aren't, but, if it gets me through than it gets me through.

The day went on as planned and I was remarkably pleasant to be around. There were a few regrets however. I wish I would have gotten more slow dances with my date as that is something I greatly enjoy. There is little I can do about that now however.

I think my train wreck nature of the day is largely due in part to the whole celebration in essence feeling like an exacerbation of my loneliness. This explains why my date was no help, as an enjoyable distraction does nothing to air long term loneliness. In effect it simply serves to dramatize the affect of the wedding on my already hyper-sensitive nature to the subject.

I also missed out on an honest goodbye with my date due to a mix up in airports and just where we were both heading. This left the whole event feeling unfulfilled and slightly lacking in closure.


Now, back in the North West, things are still as turbulent as ever. I find myself being flaky and unreliable with my new friends. I'm not sure why this is as I abhor this quality in others. I know recently it has just been a combination of depression and something else that motivates me to just stay at home and...wallow.

There is still a lingering feeling of uncomfort. I'm not entirely sure why just yet, however I find myself feeling somewhat withdrawn and hesitant with others. Perhaps there is just a lingering loneliness (when hasn't there been in my life). It is just a lacking of connection between myself and others I think. The cause of this I've yet to determine. Something keeps me at a distance. Perhaps I'm just being too critical of the people I know, and using that as an excuse to be distant and safe from them. After all if they are too distant to hurt me I can remain safe.

This on top of my ongoing endless frustration at the current job market. I've had a few interviews since I graduated, but the vast majority of applications I send out never get calls back. This is infuriating. In rejection I can at least get some form of feedback or reaction, with no response I don't have any idea of what I can change or alter in order to get further improvements. So I can send out application after application making the same error and never know about it. I often find I'm too qualified for entry level positions, and too inexperienced for everything else. Leaving me completely screwed in regards to all but the most open positions (I.e. Starbucks).

If I can find anything that is at least part time I should be able to cover most of my bills, however that still leaves me short on the rest of the bills and the costs of actually living and enjoying life.

This all seems to combine in an unprecedented sense of hopelessness and frustration. I feel like Sisyphus.

Where to begin

Since leaving school I've often felt that I've lost a bit of my intelligence, at least in concerns of what I studied. A reasonable assertion I think, but, one of the other things I've noticed is that I seem to be loosing my emotional speech as well. I find it more difficult to pin down or express myself than I used to be able to.

This may be do to my not going to therapy anymore, but that seems to be an over-simplification of the issue.

One thing I do know is that I am still escaping regularly. I don't think I've sat to introspect in a good while and I'm not sure just what has built up in here. I have depression symptoms occasionally, but, they are vastly more inconsistent than they used to be. My appetite, for example, is even more sporadic than normal, and my habit of going days on end without eating has largely subsided. I'm just not sure what is going on these days.


I'm sure some of this has to due with still getting myself settled and established in a new city, obviously, but on the other hand, some of it feels different now. I know a good portion of my issues are stress and career related. I'm still terrified of not finding a position here, and what the consequences of that might be. I've made half jokes and disparaging comments towards escorting, but I would be far from the first or the last trans girl to end up doing things she didn't want to in order to survive.

In talking to a friend of mine the other night the topic came up, and got me thinking about just how my life would be altered by having to do that, and what would happen to my already fragile sense of self and urge for progression. If feeling stagnate drove me to attempt suicide years ago what will regression feel like?

I'm trying to not even consider that as an option. I have a ways to go before that happens, but I don't like not having an escape plan or a way out. Still, a day at a time so to speak. Things are still being resolved. I've gotten the loneliness issue somewhat abated, but it still lingers like a bad smell. The main issue I'm having at the moment is still financial and intimacy related. Not for a lack of opportunities, but it just seems the potential connections in my life are temporary distractions at best. My hopes for someone local are still somewhat dim. Until then, things are largely left ignored and forgotten as they remain to painful to ponder.

In that same conversation with a friend, he suggested I use the time to rediscover/reinvest in my passions. I couldn't think of what my passions are, I have a few hobbies, but..they don't drive my existence, they don't...excite me. Perhaps that is worth investigating, but, I haven't had any real passion in my life for as long as I can remember. I never knew what I wanted to be when I grew up (aside from a girl), I never joined any activity clubs, I mainly did the things my friends did. One can't be passionate about being a follower.

Still, at least things are still progressing, chaotically, if nothing else.