What is this

I knew things were bad when I started wishing I'd get cancer. Being hit by a bus is an old favorite, but it lacks the emotional sympathy you get with the big C. At least then I'd have a few months to piddle around and enjoy life, then just let go. That doesn't't seem so bad. The bus, while immediate, lacks in the ability to let go. Still, it makes up for it in not dragging out the inevitable. There's always the old bridge jump, or razors, but, that requires far too much courage on my end. I'be always been one for the cowards way out.

This update comes as a bit of a surprise to most, and myself as well, as things have been fairly rosy. Well, rose-like, anyway. I have some wonderful friends, and a fantastic partner, but something is still missing, and I grow very very weary of the cycle. There simply has to be more to life than this, I just can't seem to comprehend or accept that this is what my life is now; a never ending routine of short-changing my life for chump change so I can pay money to people who supposedly allow me to live. What a waste this life, and lifestyle is. It's a cycle based entirely on consumption, greed, and profiteering of those who have most.

I know that is a bit vague, so let me elaborate. I go to work, and waste 2/3 of my life doing this, things I don't enjoy, don't want to do, and have no interest in doing, in exchange for money. That exchange short changes me of both deserved wages, and life experience (things I could have otherwise spent my life doing). I then have to spend that money on things I have no choice on, such as rent, or food. How people don't see this as slavery, I can't understand. You're not free, if you have to work in exchange for your life. Food and shelter are biological needs, yet I have to work in order to secure them? What madness and injustice every decided that was a suitable or acceptable way to live.  Yet because you give people the illusion of choice, drug them with sweets and anti-depressants and they suddenly forget. Anything to forget if not just for a little while.

And that is where I find myself now. I work, I run home on the brink of tears to plug myself into a digital life where I can escape into something interesting, entertaining, and acceptable. I then unplug, sleep, and repeat. Anything to forget the madness that is the majority of my life. I dream hourly of quitting, of doing anything else, fuck, even Porn would at least provide me with something I do of my own volition and choice.

Given that scenario, you can see why Cancer seems a desirable option, it's an out that allows me to not care, to not work, to not be a slave. I can do what I want, and when asked why I get this maddening privilege, I can spout with a smug sense of pride "Oh, well I have cancer so". How fucking ridiculously absurd that only when a person has cancer are the deemed acceptable to do what they wish. This is why I game endlessly, because not doing so requires me to look at what my life has become in the eyes, and I can't bear that shame, let alone look it straight in those giant avian eyes that seem to stare straight through me. The worst part of this, is that I did it to myself. In my fear of making mistakes I opted for a half measure that enshrined my misery through inaction. And now, here, now, this instant, I'm paralyzed once again. Taking current temporary security for long term sanity, enjoyment, and satisfaction in my life.

The fact that I haven't collapsed into a mental breakdown of anxiety, fear, and an unfathomable unstoppable rage at my life and the great and fundamental injustice done to me in my existence, if a god damn miracle.

Photographs & Cycles

So, I think most people can relate when I say pictures make me uncomfortable. However, having a photographer/artist partner has forced me to reexamine, and experience this in a much more present state of mind.

I've found that being asked to have my photo taken makes me not nearly as averse as having someone simply take it without my regard. I'm not sure if it is the control or respect aspect, of having someone ask permission for something that they should ask permission for, or, if it is the idea that I can mentally prepare for the act.

It might be a bit of both. However, I can, an have, posed for photos and been okay with photo shoots before. The idea being that I know what I'm getting into, I can mentally and physically prepare for the experience, and when I have, I've generally been okay with it.

The bits that bother me, are the casual, candid and voyeur style photos that often get taken when either I feel I'm unprepared, or don't want, to have my picture taken. It is disrespectful to do so, and most often people (and there are many different people) do it anyway because "what's the big deal". I've noticed it is always "I want a picture", emphasis on the I. Well, maybe I don't? Why does your desire for a photo, take precedent over my desire to not be photographed?

The big deal, is respect. Maybe I want to have a good time without worrying about the fine details of how I look, or, without being brought out of my good mood/fun time to worry about this photo, wear it's going, who has control over it, and who all is going to see it.

Maybe, I just want to experience a moment, without it being interrupted, to make me worry about all the ramifications of a photograph.


That bit aside, things are murky. I can't remember the past four months in any great detail. Not that they've been bad, in fact it has largely been good, but that it has been filled with routine. Albeit enjoyable, it still feels like I'm not going anywhere. I often feel powerless, frustrated, and at times depressed. I lack motivation to do even, remote aspects of things that might change my situation. I'll go to my therapist, then, think proactively for a day or so, then fall back into routine.

I'm afraid of wasting my life like this, playing games, going to dinner, doing the same bits in and out, yet, when prompted to do differently, I can't find the reasoning or motivation to do anything else. I feel very much trapped within the largess and monotony of bullshit socio-economic work/life routines. I go to work, for no real benefit or value to myself, but to pay the people who I have to pay to let me reside in their building, or use electricity, or cook food. I get no real value added to my life, that, couldn't be added by a series of highly trained monkeys or semi-sentient robots.

I'm not sure what I need to break me out of the cycle.