Weakend

Friday felt okay. I did things I enjoyed, even if they weren't strictly social. I avoided doing the things I said I would do though. Laundry went undone, yoga went undone. I stayed up until I couldn't stand being awake, and then I slept.

Saturday, I woke up, I played a few games, and then I slept more. I slept for hours. I woke again, dreading the fun plans I had made for myself. I didn't want to go out. I didn't want to do anything. I barely managed to make myself do laundry, and couldn't force myself to do yoga. I dived into more distractions to avoid dealing with things.

I messaged apologies to the people who were depending on me. The people who wanted to see me, who invited me to things, who wasted tickets on me. Hopefully they understand.

Sunday came, and I slept more. I forced myself out, to get dressed and forced nutrients into my body. I went out to a soccer game, and felt my own face curl into a frown as I watched things trigger me from the inside out. I watched as a cute lesbian couple became the sole obsession of my focus and jealousy. As they stole my vision away from the entertainment. I could feel my face curling into a frown as I heard those old voices slowly reversing their echo into my brain. I pushed my face back to normal in fear someone would see my expression.

It's not clear to me when the depression seeped back into me. But It's clear it's here again. I remember being triggered by similar imagery years ago. Seeing happy couples used to be something I had to avoid. It seems it's again going to start being a point of contention anytime I see people expressing their love for one another. Some, apparent, privilege I don't seem to have.

I'm not sure what makes me feel worse, the fact that this is still an issue for me, or the fact that I'm still here, purging negative emotions into an empty canvass for what seems like the 20,000th time, expecting it to change anything. Reason says to be patient and optimistic, but experience says to give it up and surrender.

And now, to start another pointless week, of waiting, of hoping, of being disappointed, of regretting that I've yet spent another one in this miserable experience. I've begun the process of removing myself from places I don't feel are beneficial (poly groups that end up being circle jerks of privileged folks congratulating each other how great their lives are). We'll see if anything else ends up going out with the bath water.