This, is now the second fucking time I've had to write this out. I
don't want to do it again. This will thus be, with increased frustration
and animosity.
I'm so fucking tired of everything being
ruined. No matter what it is it seems to be just an endless process of
patching things. I acquire nice things, they break, get worn out,
stolen, ripped, stained, or some other how ruined, and I then have to go
about and maintain them. Thus is with my clothes, is also in my life.
Ever just patching holes on a ship to weather the storm, never bothering
to change course or properly fixing parts.
This sensation thus
culminated in having my laptop stolen this past weekend, along with about
seven years of my life and a countless amount of private and pertinent
information should they wish to pillage it.
I'm just so
fucking sick of having to fix everything. It feels like nothing is ever
just working properly. Even this stupid software is making me rewrite
this, with less poignancy and flow than the original, and I'm just sick
to death of it all.
I'm
sick of feeling nothing but rage and numb muted pragmatism. I chose
this option as it was objectively better in minor way X. There's never a
decent emotional response to sway me one way or the other, and I'm so
veyr tired of asking myself what I have to gain by a particular action. I
want something that strikes me straight in the chest and makes me
scream yes! I want to feel something so clearly, so defiantly that there
is no possibly way I can sit on my ass and consider the pros and cons.
I'm
tired of middle ground, logical compromised bargains. I'm tired of good
enough and make due. I want something to make me feel alive, for once.
The
current plan of holding a wake is the best thing I can come up with for
some sense of closure. I don't want to do it, but feel I have to. The
whole thing makes me feel embarassed, ashamed, silly, and self absorbed.
But, so far, its the best way I can think of to give some sort of
closure to the matter.
