11.25.2012

Updates, and innebriation.

I am again, forcing this issue, I feel like I am peeling a scab off so that it heals properly. I honestly can't say where my head has been these past two weeks or so. Some moments have been nice, others I have felt completely and utterly lost.

This, perhaps, culminated in a salient moment on Thanksgiving Day. Amid the stress, and alcohol, I lost myself. I began to have intense sadistic fantasies or abusing random people, at my whim, for no reason. That, isn't who I am, and is a drastic change from how alcohol normally alters my mood and personality. More and more I find myself feeling like I am losing control when I am inebriated. It feels like I lose hours that I might have enjoyed. A while later, I attempted not to drink, and failed miserably, only to have the same urges come back for a second before I pushed them aside.

I will be making an honest attempt to not drink anymore, at least for a while, until I manage to center myself a bit more, and get a larger control over my substances. I have seen much of my family destroyed by substance, and I very much do not want to follow similar paths.

I worry about this however, specifically in relation to potential relationships, and the people in my life who like to drink.

My shakes, withdrawal, and day dreaming has gotten pretty bad when I'm not strictly engaged in escapism or distraction. I'm not entirely sure why, and hopefully I can figure that out, but I wanted to at least, get this out as an update to what is going on.


11.06.2012

A referendum on choice

I'm not sure where to begin. I feel utterly lost, and helpless. I look back at my city as I walk home, and ask myself what the fuck am I doing here. I can't help but keep my frustration and anger at a minimum and dive fully into escapism. Walking home has become a trial of how long I can hold back my tears until I can find another venture to stick my brain into. Books, games, movies, television, other people. It is all just one form of escapism or another, and nothing really alleviates the prime issues.

I am still unable to find a reason, something that gives my life meaning. I just don't understand why I am doing this, or anything. What is the point? I work, so that I can provide for myself, until my body dies anyway. That implies some sort of benefit from being alive, which, I fail at the moment to comprehend or understand.

I feel old habits returning again. meh. I honestly can't be bothered to care anymore.