Road Closures

The sadness, turns into anger. I don't express anger well, or often. I feel hurt, over how things ended, that someone can be so careless, and apathetic towards a relationship that I held very close and dear to me. The aspect that all of the intense emotionality that was expressed, at the end of the day, comes down such petty nuance and, routine apathetic dismissal of my feelings and emotions, is extremely hurtful.

I now find myself, wounded, and feeling this, very much.

Portishead - Glory Box, Live in Roseland New York

Particularly the opening lines:

I'm so tired of playing / Playing with this bow and arrow / Gonna give my heart away / Leave it to the other girls to play / For I've been a temptress too long / Just... / Give me a reason to love you.

I grow weary of this search for companionship. I don't feel like I've really felt contentment or, unguarded in a long, long time. Definitely not since transitioning. I have only fallen in love once. In that time, I felt a hint, a tortuous and temptatious waft of what it was like to be emotionally naked and still loved.

I struggle, with the fatalism. My romantic nature wants to cling to the notion that one day, we will return to that love and bond that I felt last winter, an eternity ago. It is easier to accept if I think of it not as an ending, but a pausing. That one day our fates will mesh once again. Yet, I do not want to spend the rest of my life trying to recreate what I experienced, trying to find someone, or trying to pursue what was. I don't want to  can't wait around for someone to realize my value, or finally figure out what I offered to them.

The pain, comes from knowing that I am giving up the best idea or approximation of happiness that I have ever found. While that has been gone, for a long time, I detest and hate having to close that avenue off from my emotional heart.

Sweetness Lost

I can tell that I'm moving on. I find myself no longer compulsively thinking of my ex, and now, when I do run across something that does remind me, I don't communicate that. I've lost the urge to be sweet, to remind hir that ze is in my thoughts. It, feels very hollow, and depressing though. I enjoy, being able to do those things, and to share how I feel with someone. I enjoy being attracted and sweet to people, and to mean it.

That just feels lost now. I find myself perusing for people. Not as a replacement, but just as companionship. I still have desires that aren't being filled, and weren't being filled regardless of the status of my most recent relationship. I find myself being cautious however, that I don't pursue someone who mimics my ex-partner. The nightmare scenario I have is that I end up pursuing someone who is exactly like my ex. I think that is unfair to all parties involved, but still, I do have a type that I am attracted to. I'm just...waiting for that type to no longer be my ex.

Which, then gets into my fatalism. How often does one find a person that checks all of your boxes, so to speak. In the history of my life, never, outside this past relationship. Which, has me worried, and saddened.

Affirmations and Acquiescence.

I find it amusing how media can sometimes reflect perfectly a mood, or an idea that I want to convey. Recently, I've decided to break things off with the primary partner I've had since January. I wrote about the issues I have had before, during all this time.

The fact is that for the past six months I have felt very low and pathetic. I have been depressed, self-hating, muted, passive, victimized, abused, neglected, and disillusioned. The worst part, however, is that I felt I deserved it all.

I identify heavily, and associate heavily with the identity of the Cancer zodiac. I need my home to be harmonious, it has to be my heaven, my sanctity and solitude. I moved to Seattle for that. I literally, abandoned everything I had that made me secure in my life, to improve my living conditions. I left all of my friends and family, my biological family, all of my relationships, the security and safety that comes with knowing a place and being familiar with it. That is how high of a priority it is for me.

Around late December, I was forced to move in with two people. I had no money, I had no job, and they were the only ones willing to let me stay there for free. I thank them for that. However the negativity that erupted from that engagement, is the stage for all of this.

That being said, in the midst of all this negativity, I fell in love. For the first time, really, I felt obsessed. Had you asked me before if I had been in love, I would have said yes, and believed it. It is, however a feeling completely and utterly unique to itself. I can now safely without doubt say I know the difference between loving someone, and being in love with them.


"No one can tell you you're in love, you just know it, through and through, balls to bones".

Being in love drowned out every other emotion and natural feeling I had. It became the priority in my life. The shitty home life that had developed, the dread and disappointment, the anger, frustration, disgust, and utter contempt that surrounded me every day, every moment I was at home was still being felt, but I was blind and deaf to it.

I continued to be, until I finally left it, and realized just how unhealthy that environment had been for me. Now, at worst, my home is neutral. At best, it is my sanctuary away from the evils and perils of the world. It is a stark and shocking difference to realize.

Why then, is love so blinding for me? I didn't have an answer for this, until I came across this page from the Evangelion Manga (read top to bottom, but right to left)

"I still hate the dark. The cold last night of the world is there. There. If only we could have stayed in the dark together. I could be there, if it was with him"





This, while different in terms of gender roles, and the sexuality of the partners, represents perfectly how love is for me. It is what I'm searching for, and what I'm longing for. The end of the world, in Misato's (the girl) world is more literal, but for me, it is symbolic of all the negativity of the world, the truely bad shit that I deal with, that crippled hole that I've often been thrown into and slid into where I can see nothing else but dread, death, and despair.

When I fall in love, all of that is bearable. I can let my guard down, I can relax, finally, and not worry about the rejection, the neglect, the self-harm, the conditional bullshit of social red flags and contracts that I'm always wary of.

In January, I thought I had found that. For a brief flicker of time, I did.

I spent February, March, April, May, and part of June trying to light that flame again. I needed it. Life was difficult to bear without it. But I was so focused on that flame that I lost sight of things. Rather than fix the problems, issues, and all the negativity being injected and ejaculated into my life, I became addicted to the medications to make it numb and bearable.

Coming away in this, recently, having fixed the large amounts of negative energy being directed towards me, I started to regain my sense of self-respect. Stepping back, away from that flame, I can see how dim it actually was, and how harshly burned I had become from it.

I still want that flame in my life, the love I felt is still there. But I will no longer let it burn me.

This, is my life. I have spent most of it alone. I will continue to spend great amounts of it continuing to feel alone. I love connections, I love human touch, human interaction, I have been devoid of it for most of my life. Yes, I get validation from it. I have learned now, though, that I cannot sacrifice myself for it.

I possess the capacity for self-sacrifice in regards to love. It is ...breath-taking to actually realize. It is also highly destructive and dangerous for me. Loving someone, requires a great deal of trust. In this instance, it was abused (unintentionally) due to my inexperience with being in love.

The danger, lies in that I do not commit but completely. It allows me to be abused, harmed, neglected, starved, asphyxiated, beaten, and broken, at will, without penalty or doubt, for and by, the person I am in love with.

In this, however, I allowed myself to be neglected, and starved in the name of a love I was afraid to lose due to the massive amounts of negativity originating from my home life.

Now, having that fixed, the value of a hurtful, damaging relationship in the name of love is diminished. My desire, to stay in this state of being, with this person, is naught. My desire to be in love, and experience that connection and intensity of emotion is still great, but not at the cost of my self-respect, and my strength of will.

My love, sweetness, romance, passion, loyalty, and commitment must be earned and cherished. I will no longer sacrifice myself for anyone who I feel does not.

Lastly, I do not scab and scar for anyone, but for the health and betterment of myself; while these wounds do run deep, they will heal just like the others.