4.18.2011

Upsetting things

So, at an event the other night I was approached by someone who does vocal work. I didn't think much of it at the time, but when I got home I was quite upset about it. I'm not sure if it was simply the aspect that I was read as being trans, but that is my first inclination. At the same time, there is a lot of other things going on in my life that might be pushing the idea. Stress in general is pretty high as I'm still looking for employment and trying to get myself settled in this new fantastic place.

In actuality it wouldn't hurt for me to visit a vocal coach, but, perhaps because I recently received positive feedback on it, to have someone offer their coaching, I presume that they have read me, and that is contrary to my inclinations on my voice.

4.08.2011

The more things change

Alright, so things have changed, a lot. I've mirrored this in the changing of the site as well, it still needs some rounded corners on some things before I'm satisfied with it, but I can worry about that later.

The reason I've not been writing lately is because I've indeed moved across the country to live in Seattle. This has been both amazing and depressing at the same time. It presents in itself a new situation for me, in which I'm not quite sure what to make of it.

I've been here for a few weeks now and things feel, strangely familiar. I love the city, I love being in a big city, being around people, I love the weather and how it changes like Texas' does, but doesn't get the negative aspects associated with. I love my apartment and its giant windows that radiate light into my small apartment when the sun is out. I'm not sure what more I could ask for in a city, it is routinely amazing that I actually get to live here.

Now, lets not be unrealistic here. It would be silly and disingenuous of my to say things are peachy keen and my life is amazing. That is far from the case here. I'm still under tremendous pressure to find a job, and while I have managed to find some potential work, it isn't reliable, or definite by any means. I've sent out countless applications only to have no response from nearly all of them. So that weight is slowly crushing down on me. As it always has. The other, is the persistent loneliness that accompanies me. It doesn't feel altogether different from when I was living with my parents, away from my friends. Indeed, thanks to the internet I still don't feel all that far away from them, but it is the daily ins and outs that get to me. I find myself escaping for hours on end, and for those few moments I'm not I feel strong urges of crying and sadness. Though this hasn't been habitual until recently, and may have coincided with my normal mood swings associated with my injections.

So, this ends up with my daily routine being either A, get up and go do something, or B, stay in and escape into the internet all day. Of course, in doing A, I also do B whenever I return back home. So aside from a few brief moments outside, there is little opportunity to meet my neighbors and such. I have attempted to read outside by the door stop a few times, with mixed results. Comfort also begins to be an issue with the relative cold here.

I think it boils down to a general dissatisfaction. I'm very much tired of waiting around for things, yet I'm not sure how to go out and actually get them aside from taking the slow patient route. I don't feel like I'm stagnating, yet. Which is good as that is my precursor for dangerous old habits, but my situation is unfavorable at the moment, and patience, and faith in things working out was something I was never good at.