1.24.2010

The process

I wanted to tie this entry into my last because well, things have evolved in a sort of, unsatisfactory, apathetic way. Basically, I put myself into a place a vulnerability, and didn't get what I was looking for, at the cost of my pride. That didn't bode well, and I wrote a note on facebook about how I was through with dating. For the large part, I think it is mostly true, and that I mostly am. The benefits just simply don't outweigh the detractions.

This week however, I went to a dance club with a good twenty or so classmates from the university and had a blast. It was great to be desired, but at the same time, it helped reaffirm my muted attraction to people. In a way I feel I've redefined my definitions on attraction, which has helped.

So, after a bad night, and then a good night, things are just sort of a dimmed existence. I'm not actively looking to date anyone, though I'm not closed to the idea.  I'm just giving any pursuit a good look over now that I'm actually emotionally active again (compared to my latest affair). I'm just in that sort of carefree apathy when you just loose all hope and accept the inevitable. So now it's just a matter of time and distance until I'm back to normal. I'm sad to see/say that those relationships with the parties involved have to go, but I've no real choice in the matter.

I was reading College Candy recently, and came across a blog entry about being single and confused. The paragraph I took a liking to is posted below, but it makes a lot of sense to me.

"it is one of the more confusing aspects of being a single girl; the moment that a guy starts being unavailable, we find ourselves convinced that he is our soul mate and become frantic to talk to him again. We confuse our feelings, letting our pride get in the way. We want so badly to be liked that we muddle our desire to be pursued and loved, and the desire to be with that person. Soon we’re planning a wedding to a kid who won’t even Facebook chat us when we’re both online. The same kid that we weren’t totally into just a few weeks before."

1.20.2010

The trouble with moving on.

I've been thinking about why it is so difficult to move on at times. For me, It has to do with pouring a bit of your soul into someone.  You merge with them for a period of time (literal and metaphorical sense). When they leave for whatever reason, that part of you goes with them. You loose someone you used to do things with, someone who you shared things with, someone who used to spend so much time with. A large chunk of yourself, is lost in the process.

The issue with moving on, is that you have to voluntarily accept the loss of all those good things that you shared and put in. In the past, I've been a champion for the idea that you hold those memories with you, and that although you're now apart, you carry those with you everywhere.  The problem that I now take with that idea, is that while it is true, you loose having a partner to celebrate those memories with. Which still, does indeed suck.

I'm trying to get there though, it isn't something I can avoid or get around....I'm just not sure how to get through it....honestly,  and without convincing myself of things that probably aren't true.

I'm trying to maintain my sobriety on a different topic, which..isn't going so well.

1.18.2010

Thinking positively

I have some wonderful friends, but many times I feel we are in different places. Boxes almost, in which they have their experiences, and I have mine. In trying to explain my situation, they fail to grasp the differences between said boxes, and believe that by advising me to think positively, my world will somehow be better.

While that surely would help, it isn't a cure all.

trying to smoothen things over between some people reopened some wounds I thought were closed. Not that I was surprised, it is entirely logical and expected, but knowing what is going on, and then hearing/seeing it illustrated and verified is something else.

I wrote recently on feeling stagnant again, which is never good. I love the friends I've made here, but at the same time, it feels like I need to move on. The people coming into my life do not share my interest, and aside from a drive to educate them about trans issues, there isn't much in common I share with them. We can enjoy each other's company, but deep conversations are not what these people are discussing. I'm struggling to find suitable peers, and I fear I may never do so. As this blog illustrates, being alone is not exactly a favorable feeling for anyone, let alone a trans-woman.

1.15.2010

Incoherence

Sometimes I wonder why I get ahead of myself on some things. I knew how things were, I suppose I was just hoping/deluding myself to think they were somehow different. At least this isn't anything new, and it doesn't hurt as much as it used to, but it was still bothersome.

The feeling loneliness and abandonment that comes with it doesn't help though. School starts up again soon, and it will be good to see everyone again. I just yearn to be comfortable again. I think being with someone would help, but I've no idea who that would be.

1.13.2010

The Slow Death Of The Orgasm

I had an...emotional night tonight. I had grown bored and decided to get off. It was...unsatisfactory as masturbation normally is, but it was the first time I failed to produce any actual fluids. This stuck at two inner notions that were at the back of my mind. The first being that as I grow more and more sterile, the possibility of reproducing genetically decreases. The later, being a strong paralyzing fear of no longer being sexual.

One of the things I worry about most in the SRS is that numbness is prominent among the results. I fear not being able to feel anything, and also not being able to have an orgasm.

I immediately tried again and got results, but with increased effort.

I fear that combined with an asexual nature, not being able to feel anything or have an orgasm will lead me to abandon sex all together. That idea, is deeply depressing. I find the intimacy of the act to be one of the best things in the world when done right, and even the possibility of it not being in my life haunts me.

1.12.2010

Questions

I've been trying to figure out the motivations behind my actions lately. Chiefly concerning some romantic interest. A while back I posted about feeling asexual, and that hasn't changed. My physical attraction to these people is as muted as ever. What I find interesting is how I'm coloring things. I've been trying to charm people that have predispositions to not pursue a relationship. I'm aware of this, yet I continue anyway, and I'm not quite sure why. I want to believe that I simply am starting to miss being with someone, and that it isn't due to complications with past romances involving distance,abandonment, and slight jealousy. However, I can't say either way.

I saw Up In The Air tonight, which was delightful. There's a scene in which a character goes on about her plans and goals over time. She was 23, I'm nearly 25 and haven't done half of what she has. But then, I never even really had plans or goals until a year or so ago. Funny what life does to you when you aren't spending most of it trying to not tell people things.

Mood wise, I'm still up and down. I'm usually pretty decent until I get bored and lonely. As always, spending to much time in my head is a bad thing.

RWCZEF93ESNC

1.08.2010

The State of Things

It's been a while, and things, as always, are strange. I've gotten some work done with my voice, and its already getting easier. This progress has really elevated my mood. Yet, at the same time, I go through periods of depression involving feeling alone.

I was told earlier that I have an unbelievable strength. I'm not sure if I believe that. I'm getting to the point where I'm portraying female most of the time, and rarely if ever male. It's happening sooner than I thought it would, and I'm not sure where it will put me in a semester or two. I hope that I will be progressed enough to be passable for job interviews and such, but I'm just not sure I will get there. Strength? I think I publish that image, but I don't believe it's genuine. I've only made it this far because I haven't the courage to stand by my more violent convictions. But then, strength of will, and a lack of other choices, appear the same when viewed from outside.

Sometimes I worry about people who may feel isolated in our community, but then, we're all isolated.