Nite owls

I procrastinate to much, I had all day to finish my statistics homework, and just now got around to doing it. Not that I wouldn't normally be up at this time anyways, but It would have been much more efficient to do so earlier...but oh well.

This month is going to be hectic. I have to find a job, pack up and move, move, finish up my classes, get ready for finals and try to maintain my sanity in doing so. Not that I ever had it to begin with.

Alas, though, like with everything, taking it a day at a time seems to be the best option. My mood is generally upbeat as of recent. I know it is in no small part to recent steps in transitioning, and also getting closer to a potential romantic interest. I won't elaborate to much on that, but it is nice being close to another gender queer individual. Though, i'm not placing long term goals on any relationship, I know the person is leaving (or wanting to leave) the state upon graduation, so it is what it is, and as it is, I plan to enjoy it while I can.

With that out of the way, things feel content? Complacent? It is an interesting phenomenon for me, as it isn't something I'm used to, and I'm weary of being growing stagnate, this journey was founded on the aversion to stagnation and decay, and now that life seems to be in a more pleasant situation, I'm not going to let things regress by apathy and lethargy.

So, what do I have planned to kick me in the ass and get me moving? Well Bobcat Ball of course. It is a party thrown by the GLBT social organization I'm a member of, and it also happens to be a giant drag show, so it isn't uncommon to see everyone in drag. This of course gives me an opportunity to not be in drag, but be outside in an acceptable place, but all dressed up. It should be a pretty good event this semester, though I'm interested to see just how it goes..cautious, but optimistic.

Which brings me to another point, I was recently reading on a Trans forum about deep stealth, semi stealth, and being out. For clarifacation, deep stealth is basically erasing your past as the gender before transition. The more I think about this, the more I feel I will be semi-stealth, in that I have no problem telling people who are accepting and loving. This brings about the point of the spread of knowledge, and how controlable it is. In years past, I spent an exuberant amount of energy controlling the flow of information about the subject. Now, being able to just let that energy go, is quite relieving, but it is still somewhat of a worry. In that, one only really desires the people who are going to be accepting to know, those who are unsupportive are better off left in ignorance.

That being said, I have no problems with complete strangers reading my blogs, so tell your friends lol.

Rain

Well, aside from the fact that I've become disillusioned with my university, and its snooty expectations and lack of frame of reference, things are alright.

That sounds a bit general, and it is. I've got some time off, which is both good and bad, we all know having to much time to think can be dangerous. Especially for me. I think I'm just going to try and put life on hold for this week. As it stands, it is one of Texas' few thunderstorms, and I'm going to enjoy listening to it.

Hooray for procrastination (long entry)

SO I'm trying to make an effort to write more, the problem is just a complete lack of motivation in general. I've my first graduate exam in a couple of hours and didn't prepare for it like I know I should have, but at this point..I just can't seem to concentrate on the issue.

Well...okay it HAS been awhile. So, recent revelations, I've deemed these two-three years of my life upcoming the years of chaos as it is going to be the two most chaotic and transformative years of my life. I'll be transitioning, while finding a job, and continuing grad school (hopefully). If one of those things wasn't stressful enough i'm trying to do all three at the same time.

I've been taking them one at a time...sort of. I got my tax refund back and have been using it to purchase some clothes (finally). My first real experience with femenine clothing overall wasn't to bad, the problem is just my self image. I kept the undergarments as they fit ...relatively well, and tucking wasn't much of an issue, slightly haphazzard, but i'll get the hang of that eventually. I have no frame of reference for bras, so i'm going to avoid anymore of those until I start hormones.

I think what I'm really needing work on to get my confidence up is my voice. While I do work on it regularly, I haven't the gusto to record it yet, which is a major hinderance to progress.

....Thinking about it now, there are a few things I want to have done, that I could, I just don't have the courage to do. Which hints at an underlying fear of doing it; which is uncharacteristic of me. There are some things that I set my mind to and the world in itself won't stop me, yet...there are these small things that I could go out and do in a weekend that I can't seem to force myself to do on my own. I need to ponder over these things some more, but I'll move on for now.

My family has been overall supportive, though I've run into surface cracks. In an attempt to establish a emotional connection in an email my father called me son. I didn't make a big deal about it other than to note it, and ask him about it (best to nip this in the bud yes?). On the female side, my mother seemed to question my female attire before going out to dinner. While I was just a bit androgynous with a girls t-shirt, when I told her I was a bit girlie, she asked "well how girlie" with a tone of dissaproval, which hinted that my dress code may not have been suitable to go to dinner with them. However, once we met up she expressed no such attitude or hint of that, we even talked shoes.

So this hints at potential a bit of over-sensitivity, I know I'm looking for cracks and reasons for conflict, but I do so because I want to make sure they are firmly cemented with me in this (to use  a nice construction/building metaphor). Perhaps their lack of external conflict when I told them is what makes me want to be so thurough about their positions...I digress.

Well, rather than type everything out now, i'll save it for more entries later on in the week.